CWMC Compound Declared Disaster Area Again This Year

CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab:  With April almost in the books, the snows have finally begun to recede, and with them the last camoflage for the diabolical cataclysmic shitstorm that had been so thoroughly hidden for so long that the President, unable even on a good day to remember more than two-thirds of the alphabet, has spent hours rediscovering lost treasures among the stacks of broken bottles, dead batteries, twisted sheet metal and mountains of empty bondo cans. 

Fresh stock arriving daily

  The Prime Minister today made it official and declared the CWMC compound a Disaster Area Unfriendly Toward Humans. He struggled to keep it together during a recent flyover in a rented CBC Traffic News helicopter, saying only that "The sheer depth of the depravity and un-paralleled shitty-ness of the whole thing is really hard to comprehend. Maybe once, twice in a generation will we be witness to a scene of such post-apocalyptic chaos. Surely something must be done."

Agent Stella guards the merch.

  The President responded to the emerging crisis by first blaming everyone else he could think of, followed by a short bout of denial, and finally on to a series of fervently presented but hopelessly impractical "solutions" that have no value at all except as public relations horseshit and were all therefore unanimously approved. The President has since been handed a blank cheque to improve the situation on the ground.

  "It is with great pride that I hereby declare the CWMC Used Tires and Other Shit Division open for business." said His Hammered-ness at a hastily cobbled-together and somewhat under-attended ribbon-cutting earlier this afternoon. When some propeller-heads suggested that the whole thing looked a touch under-structured and more than a little bit cheaply contrived to scam taxpayer funding, the President immediately concurred and continued pouring double G&T's well into the evening before "closing the store" and trying to remember where he lived, and if it might be nearby.